I'm not sure if anyone still reads this blog of mine, and if not, that's okay because today this blog post is for me. I'm using this as an outlet to get out all of my thoughts on these past couple months. Without a doubt, this is the most difficult blog post that I have ever written. I'm not sure if this will be my last, but for this moment, I'm focusing on the present, the now, let me begin...
My mom was diagnosed with COPD back in February 2012, although she had the disease long before the diagnosis was ever given. Basically what started as shortness of breath turned into a three week stay into the hospital where 13 of those days she was on life support, hanging onto her life, as we, the family got "called in" to say our goodbyes. But, the good Lord had far better plans for her, and she came out of the hospital, walking and talking! God is good!
Once she got out of the hospital in March 2012, she had several more hospital stays throughout her time. That's the thing with COPD, one day you can be perfectly fine, and the next you're gasping for air and can hardly breathe. It's scary as shit, there's just no other way to put it. It's scary for her as the one with the disease, and scary for us, the family, watching her with this horrible disease. But every single time she persevered and came out on top, walking and talking and spending more time with her family. God is good!
Fast forward to May this year, four short months ago. Mom was having one of her flare ups so my dad took her to the hospital, where they admitted her. This is nothing unusual, as most times, she got admitted. This time however was much different. She got put on life support, again. We were called in, again. Said our emotional goodbyes, again, and then a few days later she came out, woke up and was smiling and eating lightly. A few more days passed and she went back downhill and on life support, again. After a very long stay in the hospital, she got out. God is good!
Although she did get out she lost all of her muscle function and had to go to a rehab facility to gain her muscle function back to learn how to walk again. Anyone who went through everything she went through would have to gain their strength back, even a healthy person. We were happy however, she was out of the hospital and the rehab facility was closer to home so we could visit her far more frequently. God is good!
After two months in the rehab facility, with slow strides on getting her to walk again, mom started to feel ill one day so they kept a close monitor on her, but unfortunately she wasn't getting better. In fact, she was getting far worse, so they rushed her to the closest hospital where she was admitted. Turned out, she had pneumonia, which is bad enough itself but for a COPD patient, it is AWFUL! The hospital had gotten her pneumonia under control somewhat. She wasn't in much pain and her breathing wasn't terrible like it had been on occasion, but there was only so much that the hospital she was in could do. That's when they suggested mom be admitted, two hours away, to a hospital who specializes in cases like hers, where a patient who is immobile, can get the care they need and also get rehabilitated to learn to walk again. We weren't too keen on the long commute, but, if it was best, then that's what she needed, so the decision was made and off she went by ambulance. We visited her the Saturday after she left and she was in good spirits. She loved the nursing staff. They were good christian nurses and doctors and every day of the week she had specialists come in and work her legs and arms to get them moving again. God is good!
In typical Monday fashion (because Mondays suck!) my dad received a call to come immediately. Her breathing was very labored, she was in pain and they explained to him that she wouldn't make it through the night. My family rushed to be by her side and I was in bed vomiting every five minutes and had a temperature of 102. Of all the days to be sick!!! I popped excedrin and tylenol like they were candy and rushed to be there too. By the time I got there mom was up, talking, smiling, eating and drinking water. I'm not sure if it was the fact that her family came to be by her side, or the fact that all of her children and their spouses and children had gathered in one room, regardless she was her usual self. God is good!
At this point, and after this long journey, and other medical issues that I'm not even about to delve into, the doctors, after a lot of discussions with my dad and mom herself, found it best for mom to come home and be issued a hospice nurse. At this point we knew the time we had with her was bittersweet. After we all left the hospital and arrived home, a hospital bed had arrived for mom, to be put in her home. We all helped to situate and clean and get everything right, just for her, and the following day my mom arrived by ambulance, with her sister, my aunt, riding shotgun with her. My mom was the happiest I had seen her in a long time. After months (May - the end of August) of being gone from home and bouncing from medical facility to medical facility, she was home. God is good!
For 12 days we all gathered to be with mom. She got to watch her favorite shows. She got to eat her favorite meals. She got to be with all of her children, grandchildren, and of course, my dad. Friends visited, brothers and sisters visited. It was great. Hospice had given her the right medications to keep her pain under control and medications to get her breathing balanced so she could have quality time with us. After 10 days of memories being made and old memories being discussed, lots of "I love yous" and foot massages. Afters lots of episodes of Blue Bloods (her favorite show) and manicures (she wanted her nails painted). After lots of laughs and tears, my sweet mom quietly slipped into a comatose state, and after two days of sleeping peacefully, she passed away, holding my dads hand. God is good!
God is good because he gave us something that not everyone gets, time. Every single day, several times throughout the day, loved ones are taken from us without hesitation, without notice, and very sudden. As sad and heartbreaking as it is, and will be for a long time, my family and I were so blessed to have great time with mom, in her home, surrounded by family and friends. We had moments to say our goodbyes. We received kisses from her. Hand holding, hair rubs, and other things that are special from a mom to her children. God is good!
My mom is the most special lady I have ever known. Burying her was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my entire life and I pray to the good Lord above that it's the most difficult thing He will ever allow me to face. As painful as everything is though, I have so much peace knowing that my mom is in a far better place that any of us could ever imagine. Before she passed, she knew her time was short, but not once did she fear life beyond this world. My mom had more faith than anyone I have ever known. She has read through the Bible on seven different occasions and has books upon books of study notes that she took from each scripture. She knew she was going home to be with our Lord and Savior. She knew she was going home to be with her parents. She had no doubts and that gave her, and us, so much peace. I want peace like that for myself and all of my family when our time is near. I don't ever want us to worry about where we're going after our souls leave this world. I want the same peace that my mom had. Who wouldn't?
I don't know how to live this life without my mom. She's my mom! The strange thing though, is life goes on. Cadence still has school. Tarl still has work. I still need to clean and grocery shop. All of our family that was in town during this journey has gone home and all the distractions that kept my mind off of everything are now gone. It leaves me a lot of alone time to sit and ponder on it. Some moments I think of a certain memory that has me giggling and in other moments I break down in tears. Some moments I fall to the floor with heaping sobs and other moments I'm angry. It's a whirlwind of emotions, some good, some bad, but at the end of the day time will heal wounds. There will always be an emptiness there, this I know, but with time the pain will be a little less intense. At the end of the day, and always, God is good!
My mom was diagnosed with COPD back in February 2012, although she had the disease long before the diagnosis was ever given. Basically what started as shortness of breath turned into a three week stay into the hospital where 13 of those days she was on life support, hanging onto her life, as we, the family got "called in" to say our goodbyes. But, the good Lord had far better plans for her, and she came out of the hospital, walking and talking! God is good!
Once she got out of the hospital in March 2012, she had several more hospital stays throughout her time. That's the thing with COPD, one day you can be perfectly fine, and the next you're gasping for air and can hardly breathe. It's scary as shit, there's just no other way to put it. It's scary for her as the one with the disease, and scary for us, the family, watching her with this horrible disease. But every single time she persevered and came out on top, walking and talking and spending more time with her family. God is good!
Fast forward to May this year, four short months ago. Mom was having one of her flare ups so my dad took her to the hospital, where they admitted her. This is nothing unusual, as most times, she got admitted. This time however was much different. She got put on life support, again. We were called in, again. Said our emotional goodbyes, again, and then a few days later she came out, woke up and was smiling and eating lightly. A few more days passed and she went back downhill and on life support, again. After a very long stay in the hospital, she got out. God is good!
Although she did get out she lost all of her muscle function and had to go to a rehab facility to gain her muscle function back to learn how to walk again. Anyone who went through everything she went through would have to gain their strength back, even a healthy person. We were happy however, she was out of the hospital and the rehab facility was closer to home so we could visit her far more frequently. God is good!
After two months in the rehab facility, with slow strides on getting her to walk again, mom started to feel ill one day so they kept a close monitor on her, but unfortunately she wasn't getting better. In fact, she was getting far worse, so they rushed her to the closest hospital where she was admitted. Turned out, she had pneumonia, which is bad enough itself but for a COPD patient, it is AWFUL! The hospital had gotten her pneumonia under control somewhat. She wasn't in much pain and her breathing wasn't terrible like it had been on occasion, but there was only so much that the hospital she was in could do. That's when they suggested mom be admitted, two hours away, to a hospital who specializes in cases like hers, where a patient who is immobile, can get the care they need and also get rehabilitated to learn to walk again. We weren't too keen on the long commute, but, if it was best, then that's what she needed, so the decision was made and off she went by ambulance. We visited her the Saturday after she left and she was in good spirits. She loved the nursing staff. They were good christian nurses and doctors and every day of the week she had specialists come in and work her legs and arms to get them moving again. God is good!
In typical Monday fashion (because Mondays suck!) my dad received a call to come immediately. Her breathing was very labored, she was in pain and they explained to him that she wouldn't make it through the night. My family rushed to be by her side and I was in bed vomiting every five minutes and had a temperature of 102. Of all the days to be sick!!! I popped excedrin and tylenol like they were candy and rushed to be there too. By the time I got there mom was up, talking, smiling, eating and drinking water. I'm not sure if it was the fact that her family came to be by her side, or the fact that all of her children and their spouses and children had gathered in one room, regardless she was her usual self. God is good!
At this point, and after this long journey, and other medical issues that I'm not even about to delve into, the doctors, after a lot of discussions with my dad and mom herself, found it best for mom to come home and be issued a hospice nurse. At this point we knew the time we had with her was bittersweet. After we all left the hospital and arrived home, a hospital bed had arrived for mom, to be put in her home. We all helped to situate and clean and get everything right, just for her, and the following day my mom arrived by ambulance, with her sister, my aunt, riding shotgun with her. My mom was the happiest I had seen her in a long time. After months (May - the end of August) of being gone from home and bouncing from medical facility to medical facility, she was home. God is good!
For 12 days we all gathered to be with mom. She got to watch her favorite shows. She got to eat her favorite meals. She got to be with all of her children, grandchildren, and of course, my dad. Friends visited, brothers and sisters visited. It was great. Hospice had given her the right medications to keep her pain under control and medications to get her breathing balanced so she could have quality time with us. After 10 days of memories being made and old memories being discussed, lots of "I love yous" and foot massages. Afters lots of episodes of Blue Bloods (her favorite show) and manicures (she wanted her nails painted). After lots of laughs and tears, my sweet mom quietly slipped into a comatose state, and after two days of sleeping peacefully, she passed away, holding my dads hand. God is good!
God is good because he gave us something that not everyone gets, time. Every single day, several times throughout the day, loved ones are taken from us without hesitation, without notice, and very sudden. As sad and heartbreaking as it is, and will be for a long time, my family and I were so blessed to have great time with mom, in her home, surrounded by family and friends. We had moments to say our goodbyes. We received kisses from her. Hand holding, hair rubs, and other things that are special from a mom to her children. God is good!
My mom is the most special lady I have ever known. Burying her was the hardest thing I have ever been through in my entire life and I pray to the good Lord above that it's the most difficult thing He will ever allow me to face. As painful as everything is though, I have so much peace knowing that my mom is in a far better place that any of us could ever imagine. Before she passed, she knew her time was short, but not once did she fear life beyond this world. My mom had more faith than anyone I have ever known. She has read through the Bible on seven different occasions and has books upon books of study notes that she took from each scripture. She knew she was going home to be with our Lord and Savior. She knew she was going home to be with her parents. She had no doubts and that gave her, and us, so much peace. I want peace like that for myself and all of my family when our time is near. I don't ever want us to worry about where we're going after our souls leave this world. I want the same peace that my mom had. Who wouldn't?
I don't know how to live this life without my mom. She's my mom! The strange thing though, is life goes on. Cadence still has school. Tarl still has work. I still need to clean and grocery shop. All of our family that was in town during this journey has gone home and all the distractions that kept my mind off of everything are now gone. It leaves me a lot of alone time to sit and ponder on it. Some moments I think of a certain memory that has me giggling and in other moments I break down in tears. Some moments I fall to the floor with heaping sobs and other moments I'm angry. It's a whirlwind of emotions, some good, some bad, but at the end of the day time will heal wounds. There will always be an emptiness there, this I know, but with time the pain will be a little less intense. At the end of the day, and always, God is good!
Thinking of you in the ups and downs, hoping that the happy memories will get you through each day and the snuggles from Tarl and your sweet girl make you feel better! Nothing can prepare you for loosing a parent, but I'm so glad you got time with her!
ReplyDeleteMay God bless your broken heart! I know first-hand how hard it is to lose a family member (ours was a bit more sudden), and how remembering that God is good and His plan is divine, no matter what the day brings, is essential to making it through. Just remember that God never gives us more than HE can handle, and that He already knew how all this would play out. Just keep taking it a day at a time, and give yourself a lot of grace to grieve how you need to, and to be picked up by those who love you most. Especially in the beginning, it was surreal to me how the world kept moving--even when mine had come to a grinding halt. Time helps, even though there will still be days where it hits you like the first. Just keep your eyes looking up, and God will hold you up. Prayer for you!
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